Since the party hatted stuffed animals who will be attending my birthday party are not allowed to use matches (doctor/patient privilege will not allow me to go any further into that), not to mention the fact that not one of them can bake a decent cake, the opportunity to make a wish while blowing out my candles is not likely to arise this evening. Luckily, I have been informed that the night should hold plenty of falling stars upon which to cast my wishes. That being so, I have decided to ready myself with a wish list. Those damn things fall fast, you know. You have to be prepared if you want to take full advantage.

The Vessel's Birthday Wish List:

1. World peace.

2. A piece of the world. (Just an insignificant country like Scotland. Hell, they're probably too drunk to realize I've taken over anyway.)

3. A piece.

4. A kitty.

5. Inner peace.

6. An innertube.

7. An inner ear infection. (For my ex-wife)

8. Infective laughter.

9. Ineffective laughter. (Looks like that one already came true.)

10. A new president.

11. Some new pepsodent. (is it bad when you are offended by your own breath?)

12. To set a precedent.

13. The twins from Doublemint.

14. An end to starvation.

15. Nuclear Non-proliferation.

16. A woman free from menstruation.

17. Or at least a guide to fulfilling masturbation.

18. A free world.

19. A free car.

20. Free Merle!

21. The Bell Jar.

22. A monkey that wears a tux.

22. A monkey that rides a bike.

23. A monkey that can bake a cake.

24. Hell, I just want a monkey.

25. To be able to relax.

26. Exlax. (This should also help with 25)

27. A kitty to play with my monkey.

28. To meet Einstein.

29. To meet Dawkins.

30. To meet Robbins.

31. To get them all in a latex floored room with a vat of baby oil and assorted fruits and vegetables.

32. To live another year.

33. To smile from dawn to dusk.

34. To give Van Gogh back his ear.

35. And to give Val back her tusks.

Happy Birthday Me. And Happy Non-birthday to all of you.