Well folks, yet again we find ourselves at that time of year when we are not at all thinking about Christmas. But shouldn't we be? No. Probably not.

Anyway. In case you are one of those anal retentive bastards who always like to get things done on time, or worse yet, early, but you are having trouble finding the right gift for the people on your computer print out double spaced alphabetized Christmas gift list, I have decided to offer a few suggestions. These aren't the run of the mill gifts that you gave last year; the hand crocheted sweaters and change holders and family picture collages that your loved ones now keep safe from harm and viewing in the top of their closets. No. These gifts are... Well, they're something.

So, without further nearly incoherent rambling, I present to you,

The Vessel's Christmas Gift Ideas 2006 (TVCGI '06)

1. The Death Clock


What says "I love you", "You're special to me", or "Hey, how about that inheritance?" more than a Death Clock. This gift provides hours and days and months and years of dread filled entertainment. Simply fill out your will, insert the cd-rom into your computer, answer a few simple questions and in no time your counting the seconds that remain before you put on your grass pajamas and settle in for the big nap. The Death Clock calculates your remaining time, based on a few simple lifestyle questions, then provides you with a screensaver countdown clock that ticks off, second by angst filled second, your remaining time on the exterior of this big blue ball of life. Fun for all ages. (Not recommended for people whose countdown may not surpass six digits)

2. The Retro Cell Phone Receiver

Know someone who is tired of that tiny un-cumbersome cell phone? Do they want to put a bulge in their pocket that will have the ladies requesting a restraining order? Do they long for the days when they could talk on the phone and asphyxiate themself with a plastic cord at the same time?... Really? Well, then I guess the Retro Cell Phone Receiver should be on your list. This bulky obtrusive lump of high grade plastic will take that special, or specially educated, someone in your life back to those inconvenient days of yore. Before they know it they'll be saying things like, "Mable, patch me through Klondike5-5555, please." If that ain't fun, I...well, someone might like it.

3. The Jesus Action Figure

Uhm, yeah. For heathen and holy roller alike, the Jesus action figure is a can't miss child pleaser. Whether little Tommy wants to play Sermon on the Mount or crucifixion, there is no end to the fun that can be had when a child can combine his imagination with a 5" tall reproduction of the King of the Jews. Fully equipped with partially mobile arms, allowing for such poses as the above illustrated, "It's this big," or the hands above the shoulders "Hey, I look like Scott Stapp," and wheels at the base for a life like reproduction of water walking across any smooth blue surface. "Hey, Tommy. Can I play Jesus with you?"

4. The Condom Container

How about your best buddy? You know, the one who is always taking home the girl you wanted to talk to but didn't have the nerve. Doesn't he deserve a gift? Well this should be perfect. With this condom container on his nightstand, the girl you wanted won't have to wait long before he is tightly wrapped and making her scream like a banshee as you cry lonely frustrated tears into your pillow in the next room. You can even sneak it from his room and pretend you are touching a large nippled breast while he is out macin' the real life chicas. For added fun, you will always know where his condoms are so you can poke holes in a couple and watch with psychotic joy as he receives that dreaded phone call. Now, its his turn to cry!

5. Rocking Horse Toilet

The Rocking Horse Toilet. Yes, that's right, I didn't stutter. The freakin' Rocking Horse Toilet. What can I say about this marvel of human ingenuity? No longer will your morning constitutional be a boring ride on cold porcelain. With the Rocking Horse Toilet every morning becomes a rodeo. Cowboy on up and give it your best shot. Hi-ho Brown! Away! Foot pegs allow for a healthier knees above the waist, or is that waste, positioning. I shit you not. This gift is sure to make a big splash. Be sure to watch out for that saddle horn!


Well, I hope you find this list helpful. Just do me one favor. If I'm on your Christmas list, remember, I've got nothing against a nice tie.