How many times has this happened to you? You are sitting in the living room, unwinding after a long day at the office or cleaning out septic tanks, surfing through the channels and thinking, "Damn! I sure could use a sandwich." Suddenly, you happen to notice that you have stopped pushing the little up arrow on the remote control. The marquee in the bottom right corner of the screen alerts you to the fact that you are presently watching "Nick at Night". Then, just when you are about to start your habitual flipping again, a woman of astronomical girth appears before you. You pause, take in the megalith of womankind that is Rosanne Barr, and think to yourself, "You know, she ain't that bad. Hell, I'd do her."

A recent study, published by the people in England who study things, may have found the key to this strange and secretive phenomenon. The British Journal of Psychology, or as I normally refer to it, TBJOP, published a study in which it was discovered that hungry men are attracted to larger women than the women... who are not as large... that are the object of attraction... of less... hungry... men. Or something like that. Basically, if you need a sandwich there is a much better chance that Mimi of "The Drew Carey Show" will put a lift in your Levis.

Apparently, the British researchers are under the impression that this is a survival instinct. It is thought that people living in areas where food is less plentiful look for well fed mates to ensure healthier children. It is a well documented fact that, in cultures where food is scarce, the concept of womanly beauty differs substantially from the concept in cultures where food is plentiful. In other words, old Oprah would be gettin' her groove thang on a lot more often than new Oprah on a trip to Bangladesh. I tend to think this might have something to do with keeping a plentiful food source close at hand, or sleeping next to you in the bed, just in case worse comes to worse. But, then again, I'm not British and I don't study things.

Reading this study reminded me of another study I saw last year where it was determined that beer goggles, those invisible spectacles through which, nearing closing time, Gertrude the Gargantua becomes Gigi the Gymnast, can manifest themselves on the nose of unsuspecting men with the mere mention of alcohol related words. Researchers, this time in the good ole U.S. of A., found that men who were shown words such as beer, keg and liquor, rated photos of women with various features as more attractive than did men who were shown words such as soda, water and coffee. Upon hearing mention of this study the president of the International Association of Men was quoted as saying, "Beer, beer, beer, liquor, keg." He then left for a Weight Watcher's meeting.

I think these two studies, along with another little study I like to call "My Life", lead us to one simple conclusion. A guy will basically hump a rhino if he has the opportunity and a socially acceptable excuse.

Now you'll have to excuse me folks. I've been fasting for three days and listening to George Thorogood's "I Drink Alone" on an endless loop. I think I'll go to the zoo today.