Its the same old story. Woman is sitting in library minding her own business. Man approaches and asks if he can kiss her foot. Woman says, "No Freakboy!" Man says, "Its part of a sociological experiment I'm doing, ahhh, ahhh, ahhhh." Woman says, "No". Man says, "Ahh, ahhh. Please." Woman says, "No". Man says, "Oh,Please! Oh, Please! Please! Please!" Woman says, "Well, if your going to put it that way, sure."

A Mahoning County, Ohio, grand jury has indicted a twenty eight year old man on a charge of gross sexual imposition, which is only slightly less offensive than gross sexual position, a crime involving obese geriatrics and a Love Swing sex harness, after he sucked a woman's toe in a public library. It seems the woman had allowed the man to kiss her foot after he had asked her permission a few times and told her it was part of a sociological experiment he was conducting. The man then proceeded to suck on the complainant's toe, after which, he asked her what her reaction was, probably saying something like, "Was it good for you, the porcini amor?" The woman's response was apparently something like, "Whoa dude, that's like all gross and stuff. Now I'm all like, freaked out," at which point she left for the bathroom to wash her foot, which seems like it might have been something I would have requested of her before the incident, but you know, to each their own.

Excuse me for a moment. I must vomit.

Where was I? Oh, yes. The woman returned from the bathroom to find the man had "Pulled an Elvis", in this case meaning left the building, though other meanings may apply as well. At this point, the woman called the police and, in a phone conversation I would have loved to have been privy to, filed a complaint. She later picked the man out of a photo line-up. He was the one with athlete's lip.

Not only is this little tale of piggy molestation true, it is also stomach churning and, call me a male chauvinist metatarsal, but somewhat unfair. Let's change up the scenario a little. Say some guy walks into the supermarket where I am buying some cod, beer, toilet paper, and a spiral notebook. My grocery lists always seem to go like that. Anyway, say this man approaches me and asks if he might have the pleasure of fondling the grapes, for strictly experimental reasons, and we aren't standing in the produce department. I would of course say, are you going to pay for my groceries? But, let's just say I answer sure, you know, for the good of science and all. Now at what point does this man think I mean he can fondle but not caress, or he can tickle but not squeeze, or he can...

Excuse me, I must vomit.

You see where I'm going with this, right? How does this woman giving him the permission to kiss her foot, lead him to believe it would be inappropriate to suck her toe? As my grandma used to say, "If you don't want your toe sucked at the library, you should keep your foot in your shoe instead of letting a strange man kiss it." Granny was somewhat senile at the time, but hey, as it turns out, its good advice.