Maybe it would go something like this;
Ring, Ring, Ring...
Governor Miller: Hello?
Chertoff: Governor Miller?
Governor Miller: Speaking.
Chertoff: Governor, we have a serious situation.
Governor Miller: What's the matter Director?
Chertoff: We have reliable information that an atomic bomb is about to be detonated in... Uh, Could you hold on for a minute. I have a call on the other line.
Governor Miller: But...(click)
Chertoff: Hello?
Other Line: Hello sir. Are you happy with your current long distance provider?
It seems that the well oiled machine known as The Department of Homeland Security has once again gone sliding down the slippery slope of ineptitude. "What?" you say. "It couldn't be!" Oh, but be it do be.
Delaware Governor Ruth Anne Miller and her equivalents from around the country, including the heads of important states, have noticed a slight problem with the secret emergency telephones that provide direct access to and from the Department of Homeland Security. The phones were installed in order to allow Homeland Security to contact the governor of a given state, or states, in the event of a national emergency. In fact, the phone is only supposed to ring in the event of such an emergency.
This is where the problem comes in. According to Governor Miller, the phone numbers are about as secret as Valerie Plames true identity or Bill Clinton's underwear preference. It seems Governor Miller has been answering her emergency phone, probably during dinner or sex, to find the other end occupied by those hustler's in headsets, those pirates of privacy, those ant's at the family picnic of your life, yes, that's right sir... Telemarketers!
How the telemarketers came upon these numbers I have no idea. I think the government probably made a top secret deal with AT&T, "Hey! You give us those private phone records and we'll turn you on to fifty possible customers." Either that, or maybe the companies behind these telemarketers have intelligence organizations that make the NSA look like, well, the CIA, "Oh, yeah. Iraq has the WMDs. No doubt about it Chief."
But have no fear. These people who look after our well being aren't complete idiots. Oh, no siree, Cleetus. These guys at Homeland Security are nothing if not on the ball, or at least somewhere in the ball's general vicinity. As soon as this problem came to their attention they spent hours in top secrets meetings with generals and spies and geniuses and a good caterer, and in no time this think-tank of American ingenuity came up with a fool proof plan. A plan so remarkable, so astounding, so mind bending that only several million Americans had thought of it before them. They registered with the national "Do Not Call" list.
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Not only are they inept to the 'tens', but they
are also very corrupt. Billions are being thrown
to the four winds. No-bid contratcs, free trips,
honeymoon suites, cars, houses, 72 virgins,
you name it....you got it!
If it wasn't so serious, it would be hilarious!
Good post, good blog!
Joe
You might as well laugh. Or you could go with Wayfarer's idea. Not only does that head into the wall thing relieve any pent up frustration, it makes you see pretty colors as well.
Thanks for stopping by. "One day it will all be better." Just keep repeating that phrase over and over until the day you die. It won't help change anything, but it will keep you distracted. Sometimes distraction is just as good.
Yes, exactly.
Hah -- that's classic!
Glad you enjoyed.
Yes. Just think what could happen if the terrorists got a hold of the technology used by the groups that rent Vegas timeshares. My god, we would all be answering the phone to a sales pitch from Bin Laden.
(sponsored by the Libertarian Party - - yes, it's a political party and not a soiree for librarians)
It's not the first time someone has thought what I had to say was interesting, though usually it is accompanied by a raised eyebrow, a slight shaking of the head, and a prescription pad.