Well folks, yet again we find ourselves at that time of year when we are not at all thinking about Christmas. But shouldn't we be? No. Probably not.

Anyway. In case you are one of those anal retentive bastards who always like to get things done on time, or worse yet, early, but you are having trouble finding the right gift for the people on your computer print out double spaced alphabetized Christmas gift list, I have decided to offer a few suggestions. These aren't the run of the mill gifts that you gave last year; the hand crocheted sweaters and change holders and family picture collages that your loved ones now keep safe from harm and viewing in the top of their closets. No. These gifts are... Well, they're something.

So, without further nearly incoherent rambling, I present to you,

The Vessel's Christmas Gift Ideas 2006 (TVCGI '06)

1. The Death Clock


What says "I love you", "You're special to me", or "Hey, how about that inheritance?" more than a Death Clock. This gift provides hours and days and months and years of dread filled entertainment. Simply fill out your will, insert the cd-rom into your computer, answer a few simple questions and in no time your counting the seconds that remain before you put on your grass pajamas and settle in for the big nap. The Death Clock calculates your remaining time, based on a few simple lifestyle questions, then provides you with a screensaver countdown clock that ticks off, second by angst filled second, your remaining time on the exterior of this big blue ball of life. Fun for all ages. (Not recommended for people whose countdown may not surpass six digits)

2. The Retro Cell Phone Receiver

Know someone who is tired of that tiny un-cumbersome cell phone? Do they want to put a bulge in their pocket that will have the ladies requesting a restraining order? Do they long for the days when they could talk on the phone and asphyxiate themself with a plastic cord at the same time?... Really? Well, then I guess the Retro Cell Phone Receiver should be on your list. This bulky obtrusive lump of high grade plastic will take that special, or specially educated, someone in your life back to those inconvenient days of yore. Before they know it they'll be saying things like, "Mable, patch me through Klondike5-5555, please." If that ain't fun, I...well, someone might like it.

3. The Jesus Action Figure

Uhm, yeah. For heathen and holy roller alike, the Jesus action figure is a can't miss child pleaser. Whether little Tommy wants to play Sermon on the Mount or crucifixion, there is no end to the fun that can be had when a child can combine his imagination with a 5" tall reproduction of the King of the Jews. Fully equipped with partially mobile arms, allowing for such poses as the above illustrated, "It's this big," or the hands above the shoulders "Hey, I look like Scott Stapp," and wheels at the base for a life like reproduction of water walking across any smooth blue surface. "Hey, Tommy. Can I play Jesus with you?"

4. The Condom Container

How about your best buddy? You know, the one who is always taking home the girl you wanted to talk to but didn't have the nerve. Doesn't he deserve a gift? Well this should be perfect. With this condom container on his nightstand, the girl you wanted won't have to wait long before he is tightly wrapped and making her scream like a banshee as you cry lonely frustrated tears into your pillow in the next room. You can even sneak it from his room and pretend you are touching a large nippled breast while he is out macin' the real life chicas. For added fun, you will always know where his condoms are so you can poke holes in a couple and watch with psychotic joy as he receives that dreaded phone call. Now, its his turn to cry!

5. Rocking Horse Toilet

The Rocking Horse Toilet. Yes, that's right, I didn't stutter. The freakin' Rocking Horse Toilet. What can I say about this marvel of human ingenuity? No longer will your morning constitutional be a boring ride on cold porcelain. With the Rocking Horse Toilet every morning becomes a rodeo. Cowboy on up and give it your best shot. Hi-ho Brown! Away! Foot pegs allow for a healthier knees above the waist, or is that waste, positioning. I shit you not. This gift is sure to make a big splash. Be sure to watch out for that saddle horn!


Well, I hope you find this list helpful. Just do me one favor. If I'm on your Christmas list, remember, I've got nothing against a nice tie.

How many times has this happened to you? You are sitting in the living room, unwinding after a long day at the office or cleaning out septic tanks, surfing through the channels and thinking, "Damn! I sure could use a sandwich." Suddenly, you happen to notice that you have stopped pushing the little up arrow on the remote control. The marquee in the bottom right corner of the screen alerts you to the fact that you are presently watching "Nick at Night". Then, just when you are about to start your habitual flipping again, a woman of astronomical girth appears before you. You pause, take in the megalith of womankind that is Rosanne Barr, and think to yourself, "You know, she ain't that bad. Hell, I'd do her."

A recent study, published by the people in England who study things, may have found the key to this strange and secretive phenomenon. The British Journal of Psychology, or as I normally refer to it, TBJOP, published a study in which it was discovered that hungry men are attracted to larger women than the women... who are not as large... that are the object of attraction... of less... hungry... men. Or something like that. Basically, if you need a sandwich there is a much better chance that Mimi of "The Drew Carey Show" will put a lift in your Levis.

Apparently, the British researchers are under the impression that this is a survival instinct. It is thought that people living in areas where food is less plentiful look for well fed mates to ensure healthier children. It is a well documented fact that, in cultures where food is scarce, the concept of womanly beauty differs substantially from the concept in cultures where food is plentiful. In other words, old Oprah would be gettin' her groove thang on a lot more often than new Oprah on a trip to Bangladesh. I tend to think this might have something to do with keeping a plentiful food source close at hand, or sleeping next to you in the bed, just in case worse comes to worse. But, then again, I'm not British and I don't study things.

Reading this study reminded me of another study I saw last year where it was determined that beer goggles, those invisible spectacles through which, nearing closing time, Gertrude the Gargantua becomes Gigi the Gymnast, can manifest themselves on the nose of unsuspecting men with the mere mention of alcohol related words. Researchers, this time in the good ole U.S. of A., found that men who were shown words such as beer, keg and liquor, rated photos of women with various features as more attractive than did men who were shown words such as soda, water and coffee. Upon hearing mention of this study the president of the International Association of Men was quoted as saying, "Beer, beer, beer, liquor, keg." He then left for a Weight Watcher's meeting.

I think these two studies, along with another little study I like to call "My Life", lead us to one simple conclusion. A guy will basically hump a rhino if he has the opportunity and a socially acceptable excuse.

Now you'll have to excuse me folks. I've been fasting for three days and listening to George Thorogood's "I Drink Alone" on an endless loop. I think I'll go to the zoo today.

Its the same old story. Woman is sitting in library minding her own business. Man approaches and asks if he can kiss her foot. Woman says, "No Freakboy!" Man says, "Its part of a sociological experiment I'm doing, ahhh, ahhh, ahhhh." Woman says, "No". Man says, "Ahh, ahhh. Please." Woman says, "No". Man says, "Oh,Please! Oh, Please! Please! Please!" Woman says, "Well, if your going to put it that way, sure."

A Mahoning County, Ohio, grand jury has indicted a twenty eight year old man on a charge of gross sexual imposition, which is only slightly less offensive than gross sexual position, a crime involving obese geriatrics and a Love Swing sex harness, after he sucked a woman's toe in a public library. It seems the woman had allowed the man to kiss her foot after he had asked her permission a few times and told her it was part of a sociological experiment he was conducting. The man then proceeded to suck on the complainant's toe, after which, he asked her what her reaction was, probably saying something like, "Was it good for you, the porcini amor?" The woman's response was apparently something like, "Whoa dude, that's like all gross and stuff. Now I'm all like, freaked out," at which point she left for the bathroom to wash her foot, which seems like it might have been something I would have requested of her before the incident, but you know, to each their own.

Excuse me for a moment. I must vomit.

Where was I? Oh, yes. The woman returned from the bathroom to find the man had "Pulled an Elvis", in this case meaning left the building, though other meanings may apply as well. At this point, the woman called the police and, in a phone conversation I would have loved to have been privy to, filed a complaint. She later picked the man out of a photo line-up. He was the one with athlete's lip.

Not only is this little tale of piggy molestation true, it is also stomach churning and, call me a male chauvinist metatarsal, but somewhat unfair. Let's change up the scenario a little. Say some guy walks into the supermarket where I am buying some cod, beer, toilet paper, and a spiral notebook. My grocery lists always seem to go like that. Anyway, say this man approaches me and asks if he might have the pleasure of fondling the grapes, for strictly experimental reasons, and we aren't standing in the produce department. I would of course say, are you going to pay for my groceries? But, let's just say I answer sure, you know, for the good of science and all. Now at what point does this man think I mean he can fondle but not caress, or he can tickle but not squeeze, or he can...

Excuse me, I must vomit.

You see where I'm going with this, right? How does this woman giving him the permission to kiss her foot, lead him to believe it would be inappropriate to suck her toe? As my grandma used to say, "If you don't want your toe sucked at the library, you should keep your foot in your shoe instead of letting a strange man kiss it." Granny was somewhat senile at the time, but hey, as it turns out, its good advice.

Maybe it would go something like this;

Ring, Ring, Ring...

Governor Miller: Hello?

Chertoff: Governor Miller?

Governor Miller: Speaking.

Chertoff: Governor, we have a serious situation.

Governor Miller: What's the matter Director?

Chertoff: We have reliable information that an atomic bomb is about to be detonated in... Uh, Could you hold on for a minute. I have a call on the other line.

Governor Miller: But...(click)

Chertoff: Hello?

Other Line: Hello sir. Are you happy with your current long distance provider?

It seems that the well oiled machine known as The Department of Homeland Security has once again gone sliding down the slippery slope of ineptitude. "What?" you say. "It couldn't be!" Oh, but be it do be.

Delaware Governor Ruth Anne Miller and her equivalents from around the country, including the heads of important states, have noticed a slight problem with the secret emergency telephones that provide direct access to and from the Department of Homeland Security. The phones were installed in order to allow Homeland Security to contact the governor of a given state, or states, in the event of a national emergency. In fact, the phone is only supposed to ring in the event of such an emergency.

This is where the problem comes in. According to Governor Miller, the phone numbers are about as secret as Valerie Plames true identity or Bill Clinton's underwear preference. It seems Governor Miller has been answering her emergency phone, probably during dinner or sex, to find the other end occupied by those hustler's in headsets, those pirates of privacy, those ant's at the family picnic of your life, yes, that's right sir... Telemarketers!

How the telemarketers came upon these numbers I have no idea. I think the government probably made a top secret deal with AT&T, "Hey! You give us those private phone records and we'll turn you on to fifty possible customers." Either that, or maybe the companies behind these telemarketers have intelligence organizations that make the NSA look like, well, the CIA, "Oh, yeah. Iraq has the WMDs. No doubt about it Chief."

But have no fear. These people who look after our well being aren't complete idiots. Oh, no siree, Cleetus. These guys at Homeland Security are nothing if not on the ball, or at least somewhere in the ball's general vicinity. As soon as this problem came to their attention they spent hours in top secrets meetings with generals and spies and geniuses and a good caterer, and in no time this think-tank of American ingenuity came up with a fool proof plan. A plan so remarkable, so astounding, so mind bending that only several million Americans had thought of it before them. They registered with the national "Do Not Call" list.